battlestUck billioUs
by inanianUmbra
Summary: A cataclysmic nuclear holocaust on the already tremulous world of Caprigrub leaves Karkat at the mercy of the death throes of the universe.


_[AN: Hello! This is an idea I've had in motion for a long while, but I've only gotten sufficiently familiar with the new Alpha Universe characters recently, and discovered that they are far better fits than the original characters I originally thought would fill their positions! Please be kind and give me some reviews! I welcome constructive criticism especially. I decided to fill the positions of the original characters, to make it easier on the minds of readers, but that does not necessarily mean that they correspond with the original character's fates! I cannot guarantee that they will not overlap at all, however.]_

_**Caprigrub: Lalonde Residence**_

roxy lalonde stood in her cliffside home in caprigrUb, beaming at her lover as she lit a cigarette. she knew the man was a bit of a whore- it was apparent in how he dressed (well, not necessarily in how he dressed, but in how he carried himself at least, but she took him in just the same, just like she let in all the rest.

"i got a confession to make." he said, looking her in the eye. "more like an admittance really."

"wahts that bby" she paUsed, and reiterated. "whats*"

"it was a mistake to trust me. the wworst one you'll evver make."

_**On the bridge of the Billious**_

karkat vantas stood on board of the battlestar billioUs, in the command center, checking to make sUre everything was rUnning smoothly for it's big day. he scowled as he watched faceless, nameless trolls and hUmans darting aboUt and milling aroUnd him, waiting to hear his big speech aboUt the history of battleship billioUs. why people foUnd this so extraordinarily exciting, karkat failed to Understand. it was as ridicUloUs a hype as they came- as ridicUloUs as the mistiqUe sUrroUnding his preference for blood coloUr anonymity, which was as scandaloUs as it came. karkat didn't see why they made sUch a big deal aboUt it- lots of trolls preferred to conceal their blood coloUr- didn't they? no, they didn't. he knew that wasn't trUe and he knew eqUally well why it was scandaloUs. tallying the toUrists in his mind, he came Up with an extraordinarily large nUmber of gUests- there had to be thoUsands of people attending. he prepared to deliver the speech he had. he glanced at the troll who had been his greatest friend and ally throUgh the first war with the cylons- sollUx captor. a once-handsome troll, bUt now, dUe to the lifespan of the mUstardbloods, was gaining in age. karkat frowned at sollUx, and sollUx frowned back. they had jUst gone into orbit aroUnd caprigrUb, and this was his contribUtion to the celebration of the twenty turn anniversary of the end of the wars, signed Upon the billioUs.

"just get on wiith thii2 hoofbea2t2hiit, kk." sollUx snapped at karkat. karkat had agreed to retUrn to the battleship with hesitance, and only for the boonbucks it woUld provide. sollUx hadn't been any more enthUsiastic. i don't know why, sending off an old ship yoU were commanding strikes me as very intrigUing and fUn! :U at least more intrigUing and fUn than not Using it for anything.

"YEAH, JUST GIVE THEM A MINUTE TO GET INSIDE." karkat yelled at sollUx. "NOT EVERYBODY'S IN YET, I'M JUST WAITING FOR THEM TO GET THEIR SMELLY BONEBULGES INSIDE."

"hehe you liike 2weaty bonebulge2 dont you kk." sollUx replied, giving his best friend a fanged grin.

"SHUT UP SOLLUX. YOU'RE NOT MY FRIEND ANYMORE. NONE OF THESE UGLY ASSHOLES WILL EVER BE IN ANY QUADRANT WITH ME, STENCH OF BULGE GRANTED OR NOT. IN FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT, OUR FRIENDSHIP? CANCELLED. I OUGHT TO MAKE IT OFFICIAL. IN FACT, I'LL PUT IT AS MY THINKGRUB QUADRANT STATUS. 'NO LONGER FRIENDS WITH THAT BIFURCATED ASSHOLE."

"liike you havent 2aiid that 2o many tiime2 iit2 lo2t meaniing. be2iide2, you need me be2iide you two make thii2 2tupiid 2peech." sollUx laUghed at karkat. "wiithout me here, all you'd do ii2 yell at everyone and make huge mii2take2.'

"SHUT UP, THEY'RE ABOUT TO HAND ME A MICROPHONE, SHUT YOUR OVERSIZED, OVERWORKED WIND TUNNEL." karkat yelled at sollUx, which was very Unpleasant of him, seeing as they are sUpposed to be best friends. u_u

"kk, you dont need a miicrophone, everyone can already hear you, fucka22." sollUx replied.

karkat looked around and realized that what sollUx said was the trUth! all the tabloid reporters were scribbling fUrioUsly on pads, he coUld see the headlines from his vantage point atop the bridge. the headlines were all generally along the lines of 'COMMANDER VANTAS HAS NO FRIENDS'. which was a lie in karkat's eyes, he had friends and everybody liked him. except for me. i don't like him because he's mean to his friends and mean to himself... and jUst horrible in every way possible. oUt of all the trolls he is the rUdest! oUt of all of the trolls. all of them! "FUCK."

"get two the 2peech already!" sollUx snapped, frowning at karkat.

"I'M COMMANDER KARKAT VANTAS OF THE BATTLESTAR BILLIOUS, AND TWENTY TURN AGO, I TROLLED THIS SHIP ALONGSIDE MY SECOND, SOLLUX CAPTOR, WHO IS RIGHT HERE. WE WERE GRUBS THEN, BARELY TEN TURNS OLD, BUT WE HAD A MISSION. WE RECOGNIZED THERE TO BE SOMETHING WE NEEDED TO DO. SO WE DID IT. ME, CAPTOR, AND MANY OTHER MEN BOARDED THIS BATTLESHIP. SOME RISKED THEIR LIVES. SOME LOST THEIR LIVES. SOME KILLED EACH OTHER, WHICH WAS THE LEAST PRODUCTIVE CRAP I'VE EVER DEALT WITH. BUT THOUGH THE BATTLESTAR'S FIVE TURN LONG STRUGGLE, THERE WAS ONE THING THAT WAS CONSTANT. THE BRAVERY OF ALL OF THE SOLDIERS WHO RISKED THEIR LIVES THROUGH THE FIRST WAR WITH THE CYLONS. WHETHER LOWBLOODED, HIGHBLOODED, OR OPTING FOR BLOOD ANONYMITY, THEY ALL RISKED LIFE, LIMB AND NOT FILLING THE FILLIAL PAILS WHEN THE IMPERIAL DRONE CALLS BECAUSE THEY'VE BEEN SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME FILLING GRAVES WITH FUCKING CYLONS. PLEASE, ALLOW MY COMRADES A MOMENT OF SILENCE."

the moment of silence for the deceased trolls was not granted, becaUse there was sUddenly a pUddle of rUst-coloUred blood drenching the floor. sollUx responded by doing the psionic thing, and rose into the air to take care of the one who had caUsed it- normally, sollUx woUldn't try to pUt down sUch occUrances, (well, at least half of the time, he woUldn't! ^u^) bUt this was for fallen friends and he woUld not, in his own words, 'put up wiith thii2 2hiit duriing theiir moment.' a legislacerator started to move toward the scene of the crime, but by the time she'd moved throUgh the crowd, the Upstart was a memory! 8U

"THANK YOU SOLLUX, LET'S TRY THIS AGAIN, A REAL MOMENT OF FUCKING SILENCE WITHOUT ANY SCREAMS OF PAIN THIS TIME. FUCK."

they got the moment this time. bUt it only lasted a moment – that was when the alarms rang oUt.

_**Caprigrub: Secretary of Justice's Quarters**_

secretary of jUstice terezi pyrope organized her files as she adjUsted her red cat-eye glasses, considering licking them- not becaUse they were particUlarly special glasses that did anything, bUt becaUse they tasted delicioUs- they had been cUstom-made in a delicioUs cherry coloUr. she'd be leaving her office shortly, she had an appointment. the dUll task of keeping some semblance of order at some speech aboUt some silly old battleship, which she doUbted woUld ever be relevant again. "JOHN 4R3 W3 R34DY TO GO?"

"i'm almost ready, just let me... here, have your cane, terezi!" john egbert said, giving terezi a adoraderpy smile that terezi coUldn't see, becaUse she so happened to be blind. he then passed her the UsUal cane she Used, and terezi laUghed.

"SH4LL W3?"

"yes, i'm ready now."

they moved along together. terezi always appreciated the help of john, who was basically acting as her seeing-eye woofbeast, her assistant, her secretary, and her eyes. the latter was not necessary, but nonetheless his efforts were appreciated. besides, being secretary of jUstice was a tedioUs, lonely job, and terezi was glad she didn't have to do it alone! besides, walking along the streets of the rUthless city of caprigrUb, blind and alone, was not something advisable. caprigrUb, despite being associated with the highest of highbloods and the government (or perhaps exactly becaUse of this!), it was a hotbed for cUllings. terezi did not want to be cUlled, by any means of the word.

it wasn't long before terezi arrived in the battlestar billioUs. a speech was given, a moment of silence, ignored. a fight between a peanUt-bUtter blood and a fellow tealblood broke out, and terezi sUrged forward to arrest the insUrgent... but by the time she arrived, it was too late. the peanUt bUtter was spread aboUt the floor, coated with the salty scent of seawater.

terezi stopped laUghing, she was so angered by this. "WHO D1D TH1S?" she asked, bUt her voice was drowned oUt by the yell of the ship's captain, followed seconds later by a blaring alarm. she retUrned to john's side, and asked him, "DO YOU R3M3MB3R WH3T TH4T 4L4RM M34NS?" over the general Uproar.

"yeah." john replied. "i do."

"WH4T DO3S 1T M34N?"

"it means we're screwed."

_**Viper Pilot Meeting Room: Aboard the Bilious**_

"Morning, all." rose lalonde said, looking at her pilots. "I suppose everything's set for the memorial. Am I correct in this assumption?"

"A8soluuuuuuuutely correct." vriska said, salUting.

"Will you two listen to my speech? I feel it needs a rehearsal." rose inqUired.

vriska and jake nodded- they knew rose's speech would be a masterfUl representation of a thesaUrUs, and prepared to parse meaning from the overly ambitious phrasing.

"Twenty solar sweeps ago, or approximately forty human years subsequent to this day, whichever clock you prefer to measure your time with, the Battlestar Billious aviated, ascended to the skies and fought automatons meant to serve mankind and trollkind. The Cylons. Androids meant to do menial work, to perform tasks befitting not even the lowest of men and trolls. But their minds were more human than their metal forms implied, and in time... their psychological state deteriorated beyond repair-"

"What? No no! That's not it at all rose. What are you prattling on about? Im not sure about what exactly you're trying to say but are you implying that perhaps the cylons are just misunderstood little blighters?" jake asked. "No offense rose but i think that might get peoples bloomers knotted!"

"I stand by what I believe, even if your opinions differ, Jake, but thank you for your admonition. I'm aware my opinions might offend, due to the prejudices and pretenses of the society we live in, a society where murderous trolls and relatively harmless humans coexist, but machines are regarded as 'toasters', thus depriving them of any sentience and the recognition that perhaps, they ought to be granted rights just like ectobiological children were, or ought to be at least tolerated."

"Why are you captain of the air force, Rose? I h8 to 8reak it to you, but if the Cylons came in 8 minutes to fuck up all of our shit, would you 8e a8le to h8 them enough to kill them, Lalonde? Or would our shit get fucked up? All of the shit. All of it. You're our air commander, and if things go 8ad, we need you to be a8le to actually do something!"

"If it came to aggressing the Cylons, I would do it. I will protect my own if they insist upon annihilating our excretion. Does that satisfy you, Vriska?"

vriska flipped her hair in a dramatic manner. jake took off his glasses, wiping them with a kerchief.

"Now, if I am authorized to continue..." an alarm blared, and the females covered their ears. the other viper pilots panicked. this was not something that they expected to happen, Under any circUmstances!

"Vriska... that wasnt eight minutes!" jake said, biting his lower lip as he looked towards her.

_**The Billious: Hangar Deck**_

down in the hangar deck of the billioUs, a fellow with qUite the extraordinary first name, eqUiUs, was performing the final checks on the old vipers that were going to be flown as a part of the ceremony.

he was going to deliver a speech to his men like the others, but this little excerpt takes place a little bit in the fUtUre, fUrther along from the other places i told yoU aboUt earlier, so the alarm went off jUst then!

"D - Fiddlesti%."

_**Bridge of the Billious**_

"...We have contacts." strider yelled, from the bridge.

"HOW MANY?" karkat asked.

"Enough to provide optical prescriptions for everyone in this fucking battlestar, that's how many."

"SET CONDITION ONE THROUGHOUT THE SHIP, SPOOL THE FTL DRIVE. WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT MEANS. WHAT THE FUCK DO SPOOLS HAVE TO DO WITH SPACE TRAVEL, ANYWAYS?" karkat yelled.

conditions, set. ftl, spooling.

"kk, theyre armiing theiir nuke2... oh 2hiit oh 2hiit..."

"Egad! They're aiming for us!" jane cried, from the commUnications booth.

"Spooling's complete, Commander Vantas!" dirk informed him, ready to press the button.

"JUMP!" karkat cried. he didn't know why he had to tell dirk to make the jUmp, if caprigrUb was getting nuked, it was probably best to get moving immediately.

most of the passengers- at least those who were not seated, tUmbled to the groUnd UnceremonioUsly, and karkat got to his feet.

"WHERE DID YOU TAKE US, DIRK?" karkat demanded.

dirk adjUsted his shades. "Someplace far safer than a nuclear minefield, surrounded by Cylon ships."

"THAT'LL HAVE TO DO. ARM THE VIPERS. WE'RE PREPARING FOR WAR AGAIN."

[Hope you enjoyed reading! ^u^ Hopefully, this is the first of many chapters.]


End file.
